Holidays are often portrayed as idyllic scenes—families gathered around a table laden with festive food, against a backdrop of flawless decor. Yet, for many parents, striving for such perfection can erode self-esteem and sanity.
In reality, parents juggle countless responsibilities, leaving little time to meet idealized expectations. The pressure to create magical moments often leads to “survival parenting,” where the focus shifts to simply getting through the day. For instance, in the rush to bake holiday cookies, teaching a child how to crack an egg might fall by the wayside.
As child psychologists and mothers, we understand how challenging holidays can be. Balancing the demands of parenting with personal well-being feels impossible at times, but with the right strategies, joy can return to these special moments.
The State of Modern Parenting
In August 2024, U.S. Surgeon General Dr. Vivek Murthy highlighted the urgent need to address parental well-being, noting that nearly half of all parents report feeling overwhelmed by daily stress.
According to the Bureau of Labor Statistics (April 2024), nearly two-thirds of married households with children have both parents employed. This rises to over 75% for single-parent families led by mothers and 80% for those led by fathers. Compounding this, a 2022 survey revealed most parents lack formal childcare support, driven by rising costs and limited availability.
Parents’ struggles mirror those of their children. Schoolwork, extracurriculars, and overscheduled days leave families running on empty. In this environment, survival parenting becomes the default—an approach linked to increased stress and harsher parenting behaviors.
The Science of Survival Parenting
Research shows that survival parenting—focusing on getting through the day—correlates with elevated stress and less effective parenting. Parents in survival mode are quicker to criticize and slower to notice their children’s strengths. For instance, instead of appreciating a child’s willingness to help in the kitchen, the focus might shift to the mess they create.
During the COVID-19 pandemic, these patterns intensified. Isolated and overwhelmed, parents—including us—found ourselves pushing our kids to hurry through tasks, discouraging mistakes, and living moment-to-moment. The long-term effects of this approach? Increased anxiety, burnout, and strained parent-child relationships.
Research also indicates a ripple effect: parents struggling with stress and depression often have children who face similar emotional challenges. Ironically, the very efforts to “keep it together” can undermine the nurturing environment parents aim to create.
Strategies to Rediscover Joy in Parenting
Reclaiming joy this holiday season—or any time of year—doesn’t require monumental changes. Small shifts can make a big difference.
- Shift Your Perspective
Focus on the memories you want to create rather than the perfection of the moment. Burned cookies matter less than the joy of baking them together. - Build Connections
Reconnect with friends and family who share similar struggles. Whether it’s carpooling, batch cooking, or sharing a laugh over coffee, mutual support can ease the burden. - Challenge the “Shoulds”
Replace “I should” with “I’m trying” or “I’d like to.” This change softens self-imposed expectations and fosters a kinder mindset. - Envision the Future
Consider how today’s actions shape long-term relationships. What do you want your holidays to look like in five or 10 years? This perspective can help guide present-day decisions.
The Heart of the Holidays
Years from now, your children won’t remember spotless floors or perfectly wrapped gifts. They’ll remember the laughter, the love, and the sense of connection.
Even mishaps—like using salt instead of sugar in cookies—can become cherished memories when shared with joy and humor. By letting go of survival mode and focusing on the future you want to build, you can transform the holidays into truly meaningful experiences.
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