Submitted by EdwinL
I felt powerless and depressed. My friends were worried — I always get affected by incidents like these. Especially so, when:
– My friends’ friend committed suicide 2 weeks ago.
– Multiple teachers telling me that their students committed suicide during a recent dialogue.
– Ashlee’s case.
– The girl who overdosed herself and penned a letter to PM Lee.
– Last but not least… My case that went under the radar: bullied, misdiagnosed and denied an education.
The one thing that ties all of these cases together is the fact that mental health is a very real problem that is sadly going unnoticed in the larger MOE system.
Too many cases. Too little action. After much consideration, I decided to reveal my story here to show the harsh reality of cases that fall through the cracks of the system, i.e. outliers. This is going to be a long post, so bear with me.
My story
I attempted suicide in 2011. Why? Because I was bullied by my classmates for the way I looked and talked. Yes, you heard it right; you can get bullied for being too ugly. Some also did a cyberbullying campaign attacking me, which my school dismissed as “you’re being too sensitive” and “how can you be so sure they are talking about you”.
I slowly developed depression and what I eventually came to know was social anxiety. I also had a severe phobia of school that led me to skip school most of the time. If I were to somehow attend school, I would actively avoid eating because I was afraid to be bullied by my peers. I will spare you guys the details, and instead highlight some things that were done to me – things that no school should ever do to their students.
– Once, out of desperation, I wrote a suicide essay for my exam in 2012. Rather than receiving help, I was mocked by both teachers and students alike in public. Part of my essay (regarding my suicide attempt) was read aloud in class and my classmates laughed at it.
– My school maintained the stance that mental health conditions did not exist and that it was all in the mind, and I was making life difficult for them.
– I had a panic attack that made me hurt myself publicly. My teacher said that I was just an attention-seeker and ignored me.
I eventually came to see the school as a prison. They did many, many things that hurt my mental state. There was no way out, especially with my traditional family believing that “the school is always right”. Fast forward to 2014, my teachers used physical force to “coax” me into a room for some talk. (Yes. They actually used that word.) Seeing that they refused to let me see the school counselor, I called the police out of self-defense and begged them to save me. The school counselor blamed me for making matters worse, even though she did not help me at all throughout my journey. On the other hand, the principal, who had always maintained that I was just a rebellious student and had no mental health condition, told the police that I was mentally unsound and they need not come down to the school.
I was ultimately forced to sign a contract that essentially banned me from mentioning the incidents that happened in school, together with getting my handphone confiscated. As I refused to sign the contract, I was barred from entering the school and got locked up at home.
Was there any support during my secondary school journey?
Before I continue, I would like to mention I did try seeking help from different avenues. Anything I could think of, I tried. Teachers. Counselors. Social workers. Family Service Centre. IMH.
Thanks to my school’s actions and the tunnel vision focus on the bad side effects from computer gaming back then, IMH purposefully diagnosed me with gaming addiction and said that I had no such thing as depression or social anxiety. I vividly remember this conversation with IMH’s psychiatrist to this day:
“So are you saying that I got bullied because of gaming addiction?”
“Yes.”
“And gaming addiction led me to depression?”
“Yes.”
They even wanted to force me to take medication and/or be warded for gaming addiction. As a 14 year old, it did not make sense to me. Was I going crazy? Was I the one at fault? All these thoughts just flooded my head. That and their actions led to multiple panic attacks.
My school even managed to get IMH (REACH) to convince my family to use Beyond Parental Control on me just because of my failing grades. Social workers and counselors also ignored my feelings and only listened to my school and family. The “neutral classmates” refused to help as they did not want the school to punish them. I was essentially cornered with nobody to turn to, and I began to fall into despair. Life became meaningless for me.
TLDR, my situation became an outlier because I had no support at all. The safety net that was supposed to catch me failed at every layer. If not for this thing called “willpower”, I am not so sure if I would have survived my circumstances. In visual novel terms, I am very susceptible to many “bad end routes”. It gives me chills how I could easily have ended up like the 16 year old boy in the news. My heart goes out to him, and those who are one bad school experience away from themselves being in some way like him too.
Aftermath
Someone from MOE called me to verify my principal’s claim that I chose not to attend school. When I mentioned to her that I was barred from entering, she was alarmed. After telling her what happened in that school, she immediately arranged to transfer me out so that I could complete my GCE ‘O’-Levels, albeit a year later. The new school also treated me badly but it did not matter to me; I had already lost hope. It was not surprising that I did really badly, obtaining a score of 25. As my education records were unconventional, I needed the help from a social worker and doctor to enter polytechnic even though my score (barely) met the requirement.
Long story short, I was still discriminated against in my polytechnic. Some lecturers looked down on me for being an outlier with a bad background and denied me opportunities because of their prejudice. My peers also shunned me and spread bad rumors about me. However, I remain grateful to the few lecturers and friends whom I met that believed in me, as they restored my confidence to continue moving forward. I did well despite the odds, but that’s another story for another day.
I still struggle with PTSD, with recurring nightmares that are worsening recently. I still encounter (many) people that mock and gaslight me when it comes to mental health and my education path. I have come to expect this of the older generations, but It’s very disheartening to see even youths in my generation actively denying a person’s narrative.
“But you’re here, so it doesn’t matter anymore.”
“This proves that those who did not survive are weaker than you.”
No, just because I survived does not make the actions of the past right. We need to stop patting ourselves on the back when someone survived such circumstances. No one should have gone through what I went through. Period. It does not matter if they survived or not.
My plea to fellow Singaporeans
After that long wall of text, this brings me to a plea to you guys.
It is very easy to write someone off as a villain of the narrative without understanding the layers behind it. While we have been pushing for changes to the mental health landscape (such as Beyond the Label and the Youth Mental Well-Being Network), there’s a lot more to be done. There are still many people who belittle mental health, and even now, think that people with mental health conditions are “insane” or not deserving to be in this society.
Like what I have mentioned to my friends, “it’s only when something happens to themselves or their loved ones do they truly understand the impact of their actions and the importance of mental health.” I do not want us to take a reactive approach. Prevention is better than cure — let’s not wait for another incident to happen for us to finally take action. Check in with your friends from time to time. Provide a listening ear. You do not need to be a trained professional to be a good friend. Sometimes, all they need is your sincerity and willingness to be the shoulder they can rely on.
At the same time, systemic changes need to happen in order for our youth to get the help that they truly deserve. We need to move beyond virtue-signaling and comfortable narratives, and start having the uncomfortable talks; the real conversations needed for change to begin. Schools need to be held accountable for their actions, and MOE needs to acknowledge the extent of the mental health problem and actively take steps to improve the situation. One youth lost to the system is one youth too many.
For others who are struggling, please… Seek help. Find a professional that can provide the help you need. I know it sounds ironic because of what I went through, but bottling everything up and keeping to yourself can be harmful in the long run. If you do not trust the school counselors, that’s fine; there are other organizations out there that provide therapy and/or counselling services such as Limitless and Fei Yue. And remember: Do not lose sight of who you are. Do not give up on yourself. Keep believing in Hope. After all, what is Hope but our never-ending belief and perseverance in rewriting our fate to change things for the better?
Thank you for reading this. While I know I can be too idealistic, I sincerely hope that we can work towards building a more compassionate Singapore, so that outliers need not fear and live in the shadow of stigma. My prayers are with the families of both boys; may they find some peace in these troubled times.
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